Doing What I Want To Do
I am drafting this post on my balcony on a Saturday morning. This isn’t how I had planned to spend my Saturday morning, but here I am. As I arrived home yesterday afternoon, bags of takeout dinner in my hands, after a long day in the clinic, I was greeted by quite a bit of work to be done. The younger kids needed baths, and the house was in a pretty significant state of disarray. I was frustrated, and I needed a minute. In fact, after I dealt with some immediate needs, I came and sat out on this very balcony. I planned all the things I would do to get the house back in order this weekend, before I went back to my busy doctor life.
My wife made different plans for me, though. As we wound down for bed after wrangling our 4 children into theirs, she encouraged me to take this Saturday prioritizing my own needs, rather than the family’s. I’m pleased to say that it was much easier for me to accept her offer than it used to be.
I used to follow the unconscious belief that my life was meant to serve others, at all costs; that it was my duty to drop whatever I was doing, if someone “needed” my help. This sprang from a childhood of being lauded as the “always helpful” son, the “always happy” boy, the pleasant, easy-going, never-has-his-own-needs kind of guy. It’s probably why I went into medicine in the first place.
I’ve done a lot of personal work on those parts of me. 4 years of psychoanalytic therapy (so far) has been of immense benefit, in so many areas of my life. That’s fortunate, because right now, I’m tired. The coronavirus pandemic has taken a toll on me (but that’s its own post!), and every day I find myself full to the brim.
Last weekend, I was full, and was hoping for a bit of a break, but my wife is full up in her own way as well. Managing a household with 4 children in social isolation, with “distance learning”, is taxing in a way I can hardly imagine. That woman is a legend. And last weekend, she needed the break more than I did. So she got her weekend to prioritize her needs, while I cleaned the house and did all the laundry and kept the kids happy and fed.
Today is my turn. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, and we will celebrate her in the best way we can, because she deserves it. But today is for me. As a doctor, I sat down to my tablet thinking that I really should write about COVID, and masks, and isolation, and the need to stay mindful and connected, and all of that. But as I tell my therapy patients on the regular, “Whenever I hear the word ‘should’, it always sets off a red flag in my mind.” SHOULD. Who says I should? Fuck that.
One of the lessons I’ve learned, is that I can trust myself to know what my needs are, both towards myself and to others. When I listen to my whole self, I can make the best decisions. I am going to leave you then with two of my favorite quotes, that I keep coming back to over and over:
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.
— Norm Kelly
Simple, but clear. This one speaks to me even more strongly:
Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
— Howard Thurman
So, from my heart to yours, on this day and every day, please take good care of yourselves. Pay attention to what makes you come alive, and put energy into that. It’s good for you, and it’s good for me when you do that, too. As we say in meditation, Thank you for your practice.
