My First Time in a Buddhist Sanctuary
This Exvangelical was moved to tears
If you’ve followed my writings on Medium for any length of time, you’ll know that I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian cult, under the umbrella of Calvinism, with my stepfather as the “pastor” of the “congregation” that met in our home (where I was also homeschooled). It’s taken decades to even partially undo the spiritual and emotional trauma that I experienced.
It should come as no surprise that I’ve been without a spiritual community or practice for much of my adult life. I recoiled, hard, from anything to do with Christianity, although I’ve since had the honor to know some truly loving people who are Christians, and use their faith to bring beauty into the world. It’s not for me, though.
Still, I never once became an atheist. I’ve always had the felt sense that there is something greater than the physical world, that connects all of us. I’ve spent much of my adult life as an Omnist, believing there are central elements of truth in all the spiritual traditions. I nurtured each of my chakras for a year, which was an experience of growth and healing.
I’ve dabbled with the concepts of witchcraft and paganism. There is something deeply healing about our connection to the natural world, and I spent several years learning about crystals, cleansing myself and my spaces with simmer pots, and casting a few deeply healing spells. I’m noticing some topics for future posts! Let me know what you’re interested in hearing about.
Still, I keep circling back to the teachings of the Buddha. I’ve tried to nurture a meditation practice, on and off, for years. I found immense benefit from reading books by Jack Kornfield, such as “A Path with Heart” and “The Wise Heart”, as well as a more basic “Why Buddhism is True” by Robert Wright. I enjoyed reading several books by Mark Epstein. Can you tell that reading books is my preferred learning style?
I also listened to quite a few lectures by Alan Watts, which helped to bridge Eastern and Western thought for me, in a humorous and playful fashion. Still, it was not until the pandemic that I was gifted a free membership to the 10 Percent Happier app, as a healthcare worker, that I learned about Metta, or Lovingkindness, meditation.
Through several meditation teachers on the app, I was able to finally begin to connect my heart into my practice. I’m very much an intellectualizer, which has brought me immense benefit, but also leaves me very dissociated at times. Through lovingkindness meditation, I have gone through the immensely difficult but healing practice of wishing joy, peace, and freedom from suffering- to myself, first of all. As someone who was taught that I was fundamentally evil, and doomed to hell but for the grace of God, this was very hard for me. But I learned that I could wish these things for myself, not as a selfish endeavor, but because I am innately noble, and that when I am my best, highest, healthiest self, this brings immense benefit not just to me, but to all around me. From this center, I can then wish joy, peace, and ease of suffering to my family, my friends, to neutral parties, to difficult people, to my enemies, and ultimately to all.
Last week, I finally took advantage of an opportunity to go to my city’s Dharma Center. This is a sacred space where multiple spiritual communities (or “Sanghas” apparently) meet for communal meditation and discussions of the Dharma, or Way. A friend had invited me a year ago, and it took me this long to make my way (ambivalence much?)
I pulled into the parking lot, and felt a twinge of anxiety. “Churches” bring such emotional baggage for me. What would this experience be like? I’m used to “Good to see you again, it’s been a couple weeks, hasn’t it?”- that barb, always delivered with a smile. What would this be like?
I was greeted at the door by the warmest, loveliest woman. She said, “Are you Matthew? You look like a Matthew.” My friend had let this greeter know that I would be coming, and could she watch for me. She wrote my name down on a name tag for me, and took three tries to do it, because she wanted to write my name down just right. Several other members introduced themselves to me, and greeted me with such warm and kindness. I removed my shoes and entered the meditation hall, where I was shown multiple options for sitting or kneeling or lying down, and oriented to the evening.
After some brief announcements, we began a communal meditation for 40 minutes that was lightly guided by the teacher. The theme of the evening was the “Parami” (virtue) of renunciation, and we were encouraged to consider what we could release. I found myself sobbing, as I released tears of built up trauma. I was sitting in a room with about 20–30 other human beings that were all committed to a practice of lovingkindness and freedom from suffering for all beings, and I was overwhelmed.
We took a small break, and I found myself almost nonverbal for awhile. The feeling was akin to “subspace” found in BSDM practice, for those familiar. We then transitioned into the Dharma talk, where the teacher elaborated on the notion of renunciation. They discussed this difficult virtue, which can conjure ideas of deprivation. Must I “give up” things? They explicitly mentioned that those of us with Christian backgrounds might struggle with this :) Instead, they urged, consider giving up as a gift, to myself and to others, with the concept of “releasing” rather than deprivation.
I have a lot to release. At nearly 38, as a physician, a therapist, having been in therapy myself for 8 years, being surrounded by many loving relationships, I still find myself with profound insecurities, imposter syndrome, envy, harshness, bitterness, and so much judgment, that causes suffering to myself and to others. I’d like to release these, with deep love for myself and this world we are in.
Regardless of your spiritual path, I am wishing you so much joy and ease from suffering in your own life. Thank you for reading.
